AT&T Doesn't Want Customers

I have been on hold with AT&T's business DSL sales team. I am interested in upgrading my service because we are unsatisfied with the service we currently have. This is an easy sale, but since I began pursuit of this upgrade, I have been hung up on three times, and been put on hold more times that I can count. Several times the hold music cuts off for minutes at a time which makes me think that AT&T does not want customers.

Here is a quick guide for those of you that stumble upon this blog entry while frantically searching the Internet for help navigating the treacherous waters that are AT&T's customer service line.


When the automated answering system picks-up, we'll call it robo-secretary, you will feel a swell of hope growing inside you from the machine's interest in your problem, and its willingness to help you. DO NOT BE FOOLED! this is only set up to lure you into a false sense of hope. Robo-sec is programmed to lure you into a false sense of security, and then hurl you into a labyrinth of phone lines in which you will meet the 5 terrors of the AT&T labyrinth.

The first terror of the AT&T labyrinth is recognizable by her sweet voice, and calming demeanor. Her soft grandmotherly appeal to your deeply held trust for your own parents and grandparents, but she is not here to help you. Magda, as I call her, is here to tell you to call back in a few days. You will trust her at first, but don't hang up: you will be calling back again only to find the second terror...

Habib 'Greg' Patel is next in line for you. Greg is a friendly foreign tech service representative. When you calmly ask him what to do with the wires coming out of a CAT5-66 block that you mounted on your wall, he will calmly respond that you should plug the black one into the power outlet, the green one into the plug labeled 'DSL' and the yellow one into the one labeled 'ETHERNET'... These of course are not the wires you were referring to because you were not born before Television was invented. He will then tell you that he cannot help you, and to have a nice day before he hangs up on you.

Have you still not had enough? perhaps you should get your head checked, after all, according to Albert Einstein; Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again with the expectation of a different result.

Why not? I mean you've only spent the majority of your work day trying to get your Internet turned connected, it was supposed to be on three days ago and you still cant check Facebook...

OK, so you call again. this time, you are on hold for 45 minutes longer than the promised 8 minutes, and you get La'trice. La'trice sounds very intelligent at first, and is very helpful. But when you get close to solving your problem she starts speaking unintelligibly and so rapidly that you can hardly answer. She will want to transfer you to the sales office, which of course is closed. By this point you are so deep in the labyrinth that the only way out is pushing through to the end.

The 4th terror is the early morning call you make after leaving the office. This call takes 5 times to complete. Why 5 times? Because the AT&T phone system is not completely populated yet, even though their business hours begin at 8 am. You may be lucky enough to find your way into the care of a coffee'd up/hungover sales rep or customer service worker, but those are rare circumstances so early. And even they are only here to send you to another department, which invariably is not open yet.


The 5th terror, and this is the worst of them all... I have written this entire excessively long blog post while on hold with AT&T. Now when I am able to get a hold of the correct office I will let you know.


Don't hold your breath, I'm not.